also, i’m researching schizophrenia with religious fervour because it is the Crazy Disorder and it’s important to understand this wide spectrum of delusions and negative symptoms outside bullshit hollywood hyperbole
like, i didn’t have any use for this information until recently, but it’s cool to be able to hear these people talk, so one day i can meet a person with schizophrenia and be like “damn. how’s that treating you then”
my dream is to help generate a positive attitude of “SHIT SUCKS” about negative symptoms of mental illness, rather than silence and shame and people misinterpreting how your specific brand of neuro-divergence works
like yeah. i fucking hate that if i break a specific pattern i am A) anxious and temperamental and B) completely disoriented and completely incapable of remembering a single damn thing unless i compress my understanding of the routine or take 10 minutes to review what i’m doing. it upsets me. but i want to make jokes about it, too.
people who get drunk and steal a car get to make jokes and suddenly my mental illness isnt enough for you? one time i walked halfway to work and realized i forgot my uniform, lunch, keys, and watch because i wasn’t accustomed to the pattern of ‘leaving the house’. that’s not tragic. that’s ridiculous and, to a certain brand of internet user, totally hilarious. i want to feel like that sort of mistake doesn’t own me.
stop putting sad piano tracks to my shitty symptoms, i want to be able to do stand-up comedy on the carnal desire to be underneath every mattress.
[opens documentary on mental illness]
[horror music starts playing]
[closes documentary on mental illness]
living with extremely mild form of autism is one long stream of ‘oh’
because i don’t perceive anything wrong with me. i have to have the conflicting behaviour pointed out to me or presented to me, and I will actively misinterpret some symptoms as my much more potent ADHD, which leads me to run around not addressing my problems
and people talk about Shit Autistic People Do and i’m just like ‘oh’
like, irregular activities such as brushing my teeth are completely obliterated from my ability to complete a task. i think about it and i think i should do it but i am overcome by this disassociation, like the most people feel about taking a load of food from their pantry and donating it to the homeless. they could do it, with relative ease, but they don’t, because it’s so completely detached from them and their life that going through the movements does not even process. i feel that way about brushing my teeth
and that’s a thing a long of neurodivergent people have trouble with! oh! and i’m not kidding here, some people with schizophrenia have this issue to such severity that they can’t feed, clean, or clothe themselves. it’s absolutely a symptom.
or, when i was younger and experiencing really bad anxiety, i would compulsively scrunch myself up into tight spaces and slide myself between mattresses, and while at home i’d completely lose all sense of self-awareness in order to do weird shit with my body that mostly involved things being on top of it
and that’s called deep pressure! applying moderate pressure to the body is a pretty effective way to relieve stress, anxiety, and SPD effects without the over-stim nightmare of hugging. It’s why hugging machines (hugboxes) were invented! OH! (my tendency towards dark, cramped, small spaces may be a ‘I’M OVER-STIMMED AND THERE ARE NO BEAN-BAG CHAIRS TO SAVE ME’ sensory block attempt, there.)
i guess what i am getting at here is that learning about my mental health problems generates a cheerful, positive, understanding attitude, and also i wish someone would sit on me while i’m under a mattress. it feels super great.
i think the reason i want to hurt every cute boy is because i’m not sexually, sensually, or romantically attracted to them but i’m still super into it and it PISSES ME OFF
AND ANOTHER THING
there’s this post going round about how people dissing attention-seeking behaviours are wrong and
no! they are not!
attention-seeking behaviours are ultimately easy to deal with if you have an empathetic human heart, but if they escalate, you are fucked
it becomes emotionally draining and anxiety-inducing to talk to them at all, because you know they’ve become dependent on your attention and you have no idea how to moderate it, and trust me, it is extremely hard to moderate
i mean both of my god-awful abusive ex-friends did this and i am naturally wary of it, but just like, in general, it is emotionally taxing. don’t encourage one extreme or the other
looking back on my posts
i think i also befriend needy and horrifically abusive teenage girls like a nervous tic. should probably not do that thing anymore
(yes i was referring to two entirely diffrent people)
(btw if i’ve been following you for longer than a year/you are friend, the vagueblogging posts are not about you)
(apologies for the squirmies)
i talk about this mainly because i was pretty good friends with a controlling sociopath that abused her friends like it was a nervous goddamn tic and i allowed myself to get driven like a clown car for months after i broke it off
like, holy shit. i let myself get drawn into a passionate tango of hatred and shit-tossing for months. this person emotionally manipulated and twisted people in front of my very eyes, tried to dictate who i was allowed to talk to, tore the house down when someone they didn’t like was involved in something they liked, and i thought it was cute
don’t look back. obliterate toxic people from your awareness. strap on a jet pack and blast into outer space if you have to ok
do not vagueblog
blog aggression greatest hits:
i still have no idea what tumblr users pizza or inbox did.
all i know is everyone was so angry.
my stance: calm down. pet a dog. eat some cheetos. try some deep pressure. i have never been more relaxed just chilling under a goddamn mattress swear on my life