i’m really super sick so i just spent the past 6 hours laying in bed thinking about how much i want gokudera hayato and sawada tsunayoshi to make out
Make that three. urrgh i’m wincing just remembering all the stuff she pulled.
it’s so incredible, just looking back and thinking “how in the HELL did she get away with that shit”, and having to connect your mindset back then to what you know about abusers now
but she was so good. i was warning people off her for months and i still happily went along with her teasing gestures and song battles (SONG BATTLES!) like it was just some cute Baby Come Back friendship flirting and ICK ICK ICK ICK
you know what this is? this is image proof that i was still completely under her thumb after ending our friendship. i drew an entire picture to validate her attempts at interacting with me. i quit her cold turkey and then snuck a drag of her poisonous bullshit out by the fire escape during my lunch break because I DON’T KNOW. i can’t even connect with my thought process at that time.
god, i always knew that i’m especially impressionable and it takes me a bit of buffer time to catch when someone’s taking advantage of me, but SHIT
i used to be kinda displeased with the fact that mae’s designs are in the first fanpro generation, but now i’m like
pls don’t use fanpros 94~97 they were made by a huge abusive fuck
reading about andrew “thanfiction” blake’s absolutely LEGENDARY manipulation tango that chronicles over nearly 20 years, and the accounts of his massive pool of victims, i can honestly say that uh
haha, shit, anna mae blythe was definitely this to me
i don’t know what she’s doing or if she’s even alive, because a big part of her MO was always keeping you engaged in her; as long as you acknowledged her existence, she was winning. so i stopped doing that. even though she wasn’t very good at keeping her friends, she was excellent at selling “mae’s just a jerkass”, to the point where it was a meme in the fandom to dismiss her fucked up awful abusive manipulation and glaslighting as OH THAT MAE [HANDS ON HIPS]
a massive part of her power was making people think her abuse was ‘cute’, which was incredibly easy to pull off in UTAU fandom, which is like 90% impressionable teenage girls at any given time. if you stuck around and made friends with her, she’d make you absolutely fucking miserable, and cry and throw emotional shitstorms if you wouldn’t give her what she wanted, and if you took on a ‘take no shit’ posture, she’d compliment you for it, guaranteeing that no matter how much you distance yourself from her, your ego will not allow you to actually drop her altogether. you’re a strong, independent teenager who doesn’t take no shit from jerkass fandom BNFs! actively hating her is a form of validation for you, once you’re caught, and it’s a form of attention for her, which is the only thing she wants to begin with.
she’d also used slurs and constantly told people to kill themselves (usually the ones close to her, when doing literally anything she didn’t like), dismissing any discomfort or emotional upset over the comments, and using the excuse “well I’m bipolar and was just having an episode” to keep her friends from leaving because of this vicious behaviour. and we let her. because she had already normalized her persona of jerkass, made it not a big deal, and holy shit that’s scary
i know of at least two other people who have gone through this exact pattern with her and god it’s fucked up. mae blythe was fucked up. if she still exists somewhere on the internet, in any context, please avoid her. i know this was all in like 2011~2012 UTAU fandom but like. leave the fucking room, you don’t want this in your life
also, i’m researching schizophrenia with religious fervour because it is the Crazy Disorder and it’s important to understand this wide spectrum of delusions and negative symptoms outside bullshit hollywood hyperbole
like, i didn’t have any use for this information until recently, but it’s cool to be able to hear these people talk, so one day i can meet a person with schizophrenia and be like “damn. how’s that treating you then”
my dream is to help generate a positive attitude of “SHIT SUCKS” about negative symptoms of mental illness, rather than silence and shame and people misinterpreting how your specific brand of neuro-divergence works
like yeah. i fucking hate that if i break a specific pattern i am A) anxious and temperamental and B) completely disoriented and completely incapable of remembering a single damn thing unless i compress my understanding of the routine or take 10 minutes to review what i’m doing. it upsets me. but i want to make jokes about it, too.
people who get drunk and steal a car get to make jokes and suddenly my mental illness isnt enough for you? one time i walked halfway to work and realized i forgot my uniform, lunch, keys, and watch because i wasn’t accustomed to the pattern of ‘leaving the house’. that’s not tragic. that’s ridiculous and, to a certain brand of internet user, totally hilarious. i want to feel like that sort of mistake doesn’t own me.
stop putting sad piano tracks to my shitty symptoms, i want to be able to do stand-up comedy on the carnal desire to be underneath every mattress.
[opens documentary on mental illness]
[horror music starts playing]
[closes documentary on mental illness]
living with extremely mild form of autism is one long stream of ‘oh’
because i don’t perceive anything wrong with me. i have to have the conflicting behaviour pointed out to me or presented to me, and I will actively misinterpret some symptoms as my much more potent ADHD, which leads me to run around not addressing my problems
and people talk about Shit Autistic People Do and i’m just like ‘oh’
like, irregular activities such as brushing my teeth are completely obliterated from my ability to complete a task. i think about it and i think i should do it but i am overcome by this disassociation, like the most people feel about taking a load of food from their pantry and donating it to the homeless. they could do it, with relative ease, but they don’t, because it’s so completely detached from them and their life that going through the movements does not even process. i feel that way about brushing my teeth
and that’s a thing a long of neurodivergent people have trouble with! oh! and i’m not kidding here, some people with schizophrenia have this issue to such severity that they can’t feed, clean, or clothe themselves. it’s absolutely a symptom.
or, when i was younger and experiencing really bad anxiety, i would compulsively scrunch myself up into tight spaces and slide myself between mattresses, and while at home i’d completely lose all sense of self-awareness in order to do weird shit with my body that mostly involved things being on top of it
and that’s called deep pressure! applying moderate pressure to the body is a pretty effective way to relieve stress, anxiety, and SPD effects without the over-stim nightmare of hugging. It’s why hugging machines (hugboxes) were invented! OH! (my tendency towards dark, cramped, small spaces may be a ‘I’M OVER-STIMMED AND THERE ARE NO BEAN-BAG CHAIRS TO SAVE ME’ sensory block attempt, there.)
i guess what i am getting at here is that learning about my mental health problems generates a cheerful, positive, understanding attitude, and also i wish someone would sit on me while i’m under a mattress. it feels super great.